Be present with your presence.

 

I have this habit of wandering in the endless questions inside my head, especially when in front of people.

 

He said it was my fault that I can’t find a common ground with my first born. I told him I was not there. I was too busy figuring things out for everyone. I was too busy making sure that there’s food on the table and everything else is taken cared of that I wasn’t present in my surroundings. I didn’t have the time for the stories, for the get to know.

“But you were there! You were the one who taught them the abc's and the nursery's.”

 

Except that I wasn’t.  

 

We were two wrecked ships – water is coming out from everywhere and we chose to hold on to each other til we die which we both know wont be long. But then I saw his potential. His potential to live.

 

I was rooting for my death even from the beginning. The first time I saw his eyes melting in sadness as I saw him part with his ex-girlfriend in that parking lot, I muttered the prayer: Lord, allow me to fix him.

 

And fixing it was. I gave him everything so he could embrace his passion, follow his soul’s purpose. I gave him a kid. Even with that, when I was busy making numbers straights for all the delivery costs, he managed to get himself a drift bike. I gave him the security that there’s nothing he has to worry about the roof on top of his head, the food on the table, and the ample allowance he uses for his almost weekly Worlds of Fun escapades.

 

I just want to be present. I no longer want to be in the endless questions wandering, worrying about the what could’ve been. I want to be here. Right now. Right here.